There are weeks when you read the call logs and think, “Yeah, that tracks.” Then there are weeks like this one—when everything feels like it was written during a fever dream after watching Tiger King and Stranger Things back-to-back. From patriotic disputes to satellite conspiracies and surprise ponies, Nevada County has once again proven that boring just isn’t in our vocabulary.

Let’s dig into the best of the latest dispatch gold:

The Boyfriend with Bonus Names

A woman called in regarding her boyfriend allegedly giving her a fake name and attempting to scam her. No money was taken, but she’s now concerned for her safety since he’s been to her home before.

Listen. If your man has more aliases than a con artist in a Netflix documentary, it might be time to hit the ol’ block button. No money lost, thankfully—but if he shows up again, make sure to ask: “Which version of you am I speaking to today?”

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Backyard Pony, No Big Deal

Caller reports an unknown pony hanging out in her backyard. The owner was contacted, and the pony is now safely home.

And here I thought surprise cats were a problem. Nope, here in the Foothills, it’s surprise ponies. Hopefully the little guy enjoyed his backyard vacation and didn’t eat the good flowers.

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Flag Dispute

A caller reports a suspicious person taking down American flags and letting them drag on the ground. Gets increasingly hostile, threatening to “take care of it himself” next time. Turns out the man works for the Chamber of Commerce and was setting up for Hot Summer Nights.

Plot twist: the “flag thief” was just out here doing his civic duty…with unfortunate fashion choices. Shoutout to the Chamber employee who probably thought he was just doing his job, unaware that his short sleeve shirt and patriotic enthusiasm nearly got him a citizen’s arrest by Captain Freedom over here.

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Satellite Mayhem & Couch Crimes

A woman reports hearing a man with one arm killing her child underneath the couch—via satellites. She also believes children are being taken from a Grass Valley orphanage. When asked to connect the satellites so dispatch could hear, she wasn’t sure how.

This one’s heartbreaking and bizarre. Mental health calls can be tough, especially when satellites and imaginary orphanages get involved. But hey, points for creativity? Here’s hoping she gets the support she needs—and maybe a tech support line for her imaginary dish network.

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Bush-Bound Buddy Rescue

911 call transferred to CalFire reporting a young adult had climbed over a fence and fallen into the bushes. Not a trespasser. Caller just needed help getting him out.

This is what happens when adulting collides with questionable life choices. Somewhere in Nevada County, a grown person had to be extracted from a shrub like a toddler who wandered into a laundry basket. May their dignity recover soon.

From backyard equines to backyard bush rescues, this week’s call logs are proof that reality is much weirder than anything I could make up. Keep your fences sturdy, your satellites unlinked, and your ponies where you can see ’em.

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