Welcome back to the only corner of the internet where real 911 calls from Nevada County are transformed into small-town stand-up comedy. This week, we’ve got landlocked boats, solo scream sessions, and a very suspicious pile of Funfetti. You truly can’t make this stuff up—but we sure can make it entertaining.
A Boat in the Road is Worth Two in the Marina
Authorities received a call reporting that a boat was in the roadway, partially on the shoulder.
Pro tip: if your boat’s in drive instead of dock, something’s gone terribly off course.
Abstract Art in Motion
A 911 caller reported a man appearing to argue loudly with himself in the Brunswick Basin. The man, about 25 years old, was wearing a black t-shirt and pants that were covered in splattered blue paint.
Performance art? Existential crisis? Smurf cosplay gone wrong? Either way, if you see a man yelling at himself in primary colors, it’s probably best to let him finish his monologue.
Fast & Furiously Unhinged
A 911 call came in from someone in the Carl’s Jr. drive-thru who reported that the driver of the red Honda Civic in front of them was “tweaking hard” and behaving aggressively toward the dog inside the car.
Sir, if you’re making not-so-great life decisions while waiting for a hamburger, it might be time for a hard reboot.
Breaking Bad Cake
A woman asked to have meth that was found in a deceased person’s belongings picked up. When law enforcement finally got a look at it, they advised her that it was actually just cake mix.
Moral of the story? If you suspect you’ve found drugs of some kind, try putting them in water. If it smells good, don’t panic. If it fizzes, maybe panic a little.
Ruff Intuition
A caller walking past a home requested a welfare check because her dog suddenly stopped, stared at the house, barked, and refused to move. She insisted her dog “knows when something is wrong,” even though she didn’t know who lived there and it appeared no one was home.
Lassie’s cousin must’ve graduated from a psychic dog school because according to this canine clairvoyant, something definitely smelled off.
Gold Rush Grievance
A man called to report that after digging all night from 11 PM to 7 AM, he ended up with two piles of gold. Since he could only carry one, he left the second behind, only to return and find it had been stolen.
Sounds like someone watched The Goonies one too many times and decided to play outlaw prospector.
Between suspicious substances and a boat breaching the highway, it’s safe to say Nevada County is still winning the reality-show-we-never-asked-for sweepstakes. Whether you’re out walking a psychic dog or panhandling with a passion, just remember: if it’s weird enough to report, it’s probably going to end up right here.
Like what you read?
Subscribe for more Call Log Diaries, local laughs, and community chaos served fresh!
Disclaimer:
All calls above are actual reports received by the Nevada County Sheriff’s Office, Nevada City Police Department or Grass Valley Police Department and are public records. The writer is not affiliated with any of these agencies. All commentary is intended for humorous purposes and is not meant to slander, mock, or cause harm to any individual or group. It simply aims to bring a little levity to the small-town absurdity we all share.
What’s your take? Drop it below!